Before you set eyes on this blog you may want to check out my previous blogs where the first blog I wrote, when creating Your Heart’s Wisdom, is titled OUR CRITICAL INNER VOICE. It’s not really necessary but it definitely touches on aspects concerning that little dominant voice in our head that can really play games, screw us up, and make us believe it’s for our best intentions…WHEN IT’S NOT.
I get an inquiry, once in a while, in regards to the critical inner voice and how to handle it. Apparently, after reading OUR CRITICAL INNER VOICE a few readers started to take notice and realized that little voice in their head wasn’t the “real” them/ or “you”.
This particular chapter, or sequel if you will, of OUR CRITICAL INNER VOICE, is about IDEALIZATIONS. Our C.I.V. (critical inner voice), or Ego, or mind, or (insert name) loves for us to think we have to live up to certain rules, or regulations, or morals, or standards in order to be the “ideal” student, or human, or soul. We exhaust our energy trying to live up to an established image which, in reality, is impossible to achieve. These idealizations, most likely, were programmed in us at an early age through life’s experiences. Of course, those experiences arose from a multitude of sources. Parents, school teachers, religious influences, and peers are all possible contributors. Not to mention from outside agencies such as social media, news, or good old Hollywood by-products (television, movies, commercials, youtube, etc.). “Set Standards” to live up too. Let me give you a personal example.
If you’ve read my brief bio you know I was raised by a minister. I had all sorts of dogma programmed into me. Certain “ideals” to live by. Anything Bible-related, of course. Then there was the social expectations of being a preacher’s son. These expectations had me thinking I had to be a step ahead of others. In a weird way, those expectations had me being a rebel in many ways. I guess one could say I was a “closet rebel”. Haha! I kept to myself conflicting thoughts and feelings pertaining to how I was “suppose to be”. I was slowly going against the “norm”. Very confusing times consisting of pain, anger, sadness, and nobody to share my thoughts with.
ONE OF THOSE IDEALS: we are all supposed to have perfect, loving relationships with all family members. The 1960s LEAVE IT TO BEAVER television series kind of family relations. Ward and June were the gentle and understanding parents with their sons Wally and Theodore, nicknamed Beaver. Whatever conflicts the family had everyone lived happily ever after in a lovey-dovey respectful manner. All family members went to bed every night with smiles on their faces. I grew up thinking all family members had each other’s back.
Flash forward to my high school years and my mother wasn’t such a nice person towards me. She had mood swings, with me not knowing when she was going to lash out at me. Most of the time it was over the most ridiculous things. I couldn’t wait to leave the house, and the moment I had a chance to get a scholarship in college I went for it, got it, and got the hell out of there. I was hurt and damaged goods with very low self-esteem. I was Mr. Victim personified!
What saved my butt was that “closet rebel” within myself. I became a seeker of sorts. No longer under the religious dogma of my parents, I looked into a variety of religions, philosophies, hobbies, you name it. My brother called me the black sheep of the family.
You can only imagine when my family found out I was learning how to walk on fire in my late 20’s. Judgments definitely came out at me big time. In their minds, I was definitely playing with dark influences, or even “the devil”. Whenever I shared I was enrolling in any type of mind expansion course, or alternate spiritual teachings, I was considered “misguided”. Whenever I came home to visit my mother made sure I received a fair dose of guilt and doubt in whatever I was pursuing. All along I was hurt that I wasn’t living up to my mother’s expectations of me. I was supposed to get married and have her grandchildren by the time I was 30. Sorry, mom (not really).
I frowned upon seeking had me learning there was a difference between “love” and “like”. I eventually came to terms that, though I loved my mom because she was my mom, I didn’t like her as a person. Now that really messed with my ideal mom/son relationship. I learned that even though you loved a family member it was perfectly okay NOT to like the person they were.
In my early 30’s my mother called me up one Saturday morning.
“Son, I have something I need to tell you.”
She informed me, “I just kicked a 15-year addiction to valium.”
I did the math. That meant she started to take valium when I was 16 years old. Now those mood swings and bouts of irrational anger, all of a sudden, made sense. No wonder I didn’t have it a LEAVE IT TO BEAVER upbringing. After mom shared about her addiction I slowly was able to forgive all of those irrational experiences I had with her. It wasn’t easy, and it took a number of years to release those memories of anguish but I was able to eventually forgive her.
Years later I was able to recontextualize those events, and the actions of my mom, with compassion. If my mom knew better she would’ve done better. But at that time of her life her only “out”, or way to cope with whatever she was dealing with, was to resort to valium to “calm her down”, or to put it in energetic terms, to “numb” her from dealing with her life in a more supportive way. Being a registered nurse, those were the tools available for her to use. If you have a problem, get medicated to take care of it. That was her way of thinking. Under the influence of that drug, she was raising me the best way she knew how too. In my 30’s, I gradually learned how to like my mom as a person, but it did take a while.
Idealizations can really mess you up. If I wasn’t programmed into thinking families have to be picture-perfect, but instead raised with the teachings of members being allowed to express themselves according to their own heart’s desire, I might’ve been spared a lot of painful growing experiences.
Not to say there isn’t a lot to be said about basic morals, but all of collective society’s IDEALS are purely based on what they were taught when they grew up…and then living their lives thinking those are the laws of the lands and imposing them, at times with various types of force. Whether that force is shame, guilt, fear, or punishment of any kind. “Prisoners” of their own ideals (constructs) teaching/raising others to become “prisoners” and all along believing they are free and teaching love.
THE KICKER: The CRITICAL INNER VOICE LOVES IDEALIZATIONS. Ideals are safe. They’re predictable. The mind loves “knowing” what’s next. Ideals serve as road maps to how we should behave. Ideals are already planned out preconceived lives for us. Does the term “robot” ring a bell? They have nothing to do with living from the Heart. The thinking mind can’t imagine living without ideals/constructs. Anything out of that “box” induces fear. And we’re already taught how fear is to be avoided and NOT experienced (which is another falsehood). We’re not raised to even conceive that the Heart has its own brain. To feel from the Heart, make decisions from the Heart, and not our C.I.V.. (Refer to a previous blog THE HEART’S BRAIN to learn about our second and REAL brain).
Be careful beautiful souls. Idealizations are not our friends. If anything, do the opposite of any ideals. If the crowd is moving towards the right, quietly walk to the left. The crowd, out of fear, will say you’ll be lonely. Gently give them a smile, knowing that looking within your Heart there’s a whole loving world that welcomes you, thus, you can never be alone. Keep walking towards the left.
Lose the idealizations…..then you’ll be on the path to FREEDOM.